Friday, January 08, 2010

A Different Kind of Post For Me

Today I was planning on going back a bit and writing about our trip to the theatre on December 23rd, and sharing those good memories with you, but my mind is not there today. Sorry. I hope you’ll forgive my need to let it all hang out a bit today, but I just really need this release right now. I need a place to vent and I have nowhere else to go with this. I thought this morning, as I lay awake staring at the ceiling, that maybe getting out a bit of my sadness here would help me let it go. Here at my blog I always keep it light and breezy, because I don’t want to bum anybody out, and I’m naturally one of those glass half full people. But I thought to myself, this is my space to say what comes to my mind and write about my life experiences…the good and bad, so why not just let it rip a bit. So here goes…

I’m having my yearly readjustment after Christmas, as I figure that many of you have been having too. Mine always is in response to dealing with my various in-laws over Christmas. I always come away from it feeling a bit unwelcomed and depressed. It has been really hard and I’m just afraid sometimes that it is changing me in ways that I don’t want it to. When I think of Christmas, I don’t want the first word that comes to my mind to be ‘dread’. I figure that many of you out there know all too well about family drama at Christmas. It’s kind of a given in some cases I guess. We spent Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and the Sunday….three days in a row in various company and I’ll tell you, it was a relief when Sunday evening came. I’ve tried everything that I know how for a few years now, including just relaxing and letting things happen naturally, but it just never works out. I can’t get in. I guess that it is what it is and I try to just see it that way. Still, it hurts. It makes it harder since I’m so far from everyone and everything that I know and it can mess with your head. I’m an optimist though, so I just stuff it away each year and try to get on with my life. Anyway, who knows???

I’ll just leave it there because I don’t want it to seem like I’m trashing anyone. That’s not my style. I told Brit Boy that I was going to post about this and he understood. It’s just that this year for some reason, it has been extra hard to let go. Maybe it’s some kind of cumulative effect???? Anyway, I’m starting to feel a tiny bit better as I’m typing this. Maybe breaking the wall of silence is helping me to feel as if I’m getting a bit of my power back. Just confessing, even this little bit is a relief and I'm feeling more like the person I was before I came here.

Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate it like you wouldn’t believe :-) This is one of the things that I love about blogging. You can bare a tiny bit of your soul and even though you are letting it out before the world, it feels okay because it is truthful and I guess in the end that helps the healing of whatever is troubling your heart.

This post is freeing to me, even though it may not seem earth shattering as you read this. To me, who has remained tight-lipped for so long, it’s like taking a breath after a long time. I realize it's okay to just say, hey I'm hurting right now. It’s like speaking it out is what I needed to do at this very point in time. Maybe a door is opening for the better. Maybe now some air can get in. Maybe now I'll feel more able to just say it…whatever it is, even when it's hard.

So I’m taking a breath and just letting go… :-)

Next time, it’s all about the theatre…

23 comments:

Lin said...

You are not alone in this. There are things, comments, feelings, vibes, that you experience the first few years together that you just sort of ignore and take for the sake of your spouse. The years go on and things still don't improve--you are an outsider and you still feel like one. It isn't mean or intentional--it just comes out in various forms. I get it. I put up with it for years.

I went along for the ride, biting my lip for the sake of my husband and children. And now that the kids are in high school, I find that I'm done playing along. I don't want to instigate all of the communication between my husband and his family and then get trashed behind my back. I'm done. I've been with this family for 25 years now and I think I've reached my limit. I'm not mean or anything, I just don't go there as much anymore. And I don't go out of my way for those who don't appreciate it anymore.

Good luck with your family. I hope you can sort it out for yourself and figure out a solution that makes you comfortable. It's tough. Family is tough.

Krystal Grant said...

Great Post Dori,
I'm glad you were able to get it out. Things will get better. Even if people don't change, you'll learn from your experiences and become a better, stronger person.

RE Ausetkmt said...

sweetie sometimes you just need to get it out. not everybody is a friend just because they "seem friendly". lots of that fakeness is who they REALLY ARE - FAKE. trust me a few of my english born relatives in the uk are alot like that. as plastic as a tossaway spoon and alot less useful. Dori, be Happy tht you will never be them. no doubt your hubby likes you better for not being that type.

cheers my friend, as life is OURS to enjoy.

Georgette Jones said...

Dori,

Thank you for having the courage to post about a subject that many of us can relate to.

We don't get to choose the people who are in our lives - friends, yes, family, no. Unfortunately, it is most often the latter who really don't know who you are. Sometimes they just try to project their own values and perceptions onto to you.

Just keep being yourself and loving yourself. And please feel free to write whatever you wish. It's your blog, woman, and you certainly will not be judged!

Peace and blessings!

Judy Harper said...

Dori-there are some people in this world who will never admit that you are a great person, for whatever reason, they can never admit this to themselves or to the world. Eventually, they may wise up, but the one person in my life that is that way to me, I finally had to accept that I only need to be civil to her while she's around, that the nurturing and support I need will have to come from another avenue, thus, you find someone else to fill their shoes. God has placed two such women in my life to be a surrogate. One is a lovely lady from church and another is a favorite Aunt-in-law. My Dad's sister-in-law. I love her very much. They both reach out to build my self-esteem and encourage me in my life quest. That's not to say there aren't times I have regret and wishful thinking about what if. But the older I become, the more I let go of that need for a "pat on the head" which is never going to come. Isn't blogging the greatest "thingy" to be invented! The words just go out into infinity, along with the emotions!

VABookworm87 said...

Sorry about your family issues... I come from a long line of moms who condescend their daughters until they have absolutely no self confidence, so I know how it can be...

I've given your blog an award :o) Stop by if you can! I hope it helps to brighten you up a bit!

Duni said...

I'm also the 'outsider' here.There were some pretty hurtful comments over the years.
BUT I don't shut up about it! I would explode otherwise :)
I hope you find a way to make it easier for you.

Patricia Rockwell said...

Dori, my heart is feeling for you. We had a similar experience this Christmas as my daughter came to visit us but we didn't spend any time with our relatives because she feels uncomfortable around them. This hurts them, me, and probably her (although she doesn't realize it). But we do what we can and try to make everyone involved feel as loved as possible--because we do love everyone involved. Good luck, tread carefully and be loved.

♥nova-san said...

I'm browsing through Blogger and found your site.

I so related to this post. I am so glad the holidays are over. It's the time of the year when I feel the most lonely.

Anne said...

I am sorry you feel this way and it must be exceptionally hard since you are so far from home. I deal with a similar situation every year but try not to take it as personally since I have the kids. This may not be possible, but I wonder if you could alternate years. One year in England the next with your family. It may not be possible, but it would be a good option.

A Valdese Blogger said...

I can relate. Maximize what's good and minimize the not so good, especially if you can't do anything about it. Free advice (so you know what it's worth) from the Valdese Blogger.

heidi said...

Oh Dori I am so glad that you wrote about this!!! It is very hard and I try not to dread the holidays. This year I had it and whether it was right or wrong I decided not to go to any of my in-laws holiday festivities. I too have not been let in and I decided that I was not going to sit in a room with a bunch of people that say nasty things behind my back for me being me. I even deleted all my in-laws off of my Facebook!!! 16 years of their dislike had finally took its toll. You handle it much more gracefully and I hope things are better for you. It must be even harder with your family in Georgia and not near. Great and freeing post!!!

Deidre said...

I am so glad that you have a place where you can be free to say your feelings - that's super important!

:) Can't wait to hear about the theatre.

BK said...

It is better to let it out then to bottle up all the emotions.

Kicha said...

So sorry to hear you have to go through this especially when it's supposed to be a time of peace. So many get off on being nasty and negative to make others as miserable as themselves.

This won't be the case with you since you exude nothing but positivity. Take care ~

Patrice-The Soap Seduction said...

Hang in there. Don't let anyone kill your joy!

Jennifer said...

Dori -- I think it would be especially hard when you are so far away from your own family (and maybe it's harder this year because you were back in Georgia over Thanksgiving?).

I am often thankful that I married into a very small family of drama-free and accepting men and that my own family makes so few demands on me. I hope that things improve with time with your in-laws.

Take care,

Jennifer

A.Marie said...

Hi there! I totally understand where you are coming from! You wrote a great post and put into words what I have been wanting to say for about 18 years now! (that is how long I have been married!)

Have a terrific day! :)

Dori said...

Thanks so much everyone for all of your support, advice, and caring. I appreciate this so much. Finding out that I'm not alone in this has been very healing for me. You all are great! :-)

Emm said...

Oh no! It is horrible when you walk away from social interactions feeling let down and disappointed. It isn't really fair, is it?

jacqueline said...

Hey Dori,
I'm sorry I missed this post. I've been wrestling with alligators and chased by Hyenas. At any rate, it has felt that way. For the most part, it's over.

I've been trying to get my site finished since October, and now I can breathe a little sigh of relief. Thank goodness!
_________

All great artists know great suffering. Not that you're suffering but people know how to make your soul feel that way... especially when you know that you're better than the words, and situations they may toss at you.

Hang in there. See it as fertilizer, or a growth tablet for your writing and other forms of creativity. As you can see, you have lots of fans, my dear.

Be good. :-)

SE'LAH... said...

Hi Dori,

Sending positive vibes your way. Morning always follows the dark (as my grandmother would often say).

venting is essential for a healthy soul.

one love.

Dori said...

Emm,
You are so right and it's even tougher when it happens in the company of your in-laws. But I'm good now :)

Jacqueline,
I'm so glad you've got your new website up. And dear Jacqueline, you read my mind :) I have told my hubby that this drama and turmoil is only serving to fuel my creative muse :) Thanks for your support and wise advice as always!

Se'lah,
Thank you for the positive vibes :) I love the quote from your grandmother. Thank you for sharing this. One love to you too.